Know your sh*t

A one-to-one performance, compulsory for all who want to remain in the UK after Brexit. As you may have already heard, everyone must obtain an English language certificate before 29 March 2019*. In my white and red booth, I will test your English language knowledge and, if you’re lucky, you’ll get a Brexit-proof certificate for FREE! (cup of tea may be included). 

Presented at: Uniqlo Tate Lates (Tate Modern, 29 March 2019) as part of Artists explore Brexit panel discussion

Performed at: Emergency (Z-Arts, Manchester, October 2018); Journeys Festival International (Portsmouth, October 2018); Greenwich University (London, November 2019).

British MPs have voted unanimously to make English language fluency a compulsory requirement for everyone wishing to remain in the UK after Brexit, it was announced today.

 

The controversial law, which makes people who are unable to speak and spell English illegal after 29 March 2019*, marks a watershed moment in UK history.

 

For the first time, British citizens and non alike will be required to obtain an English language certificate to assert their right to remain in the country.

 

The law has encountered the rage of some British people, who have branded it ‘racist’ and said they will refuse to take the compulsory English language tests.

 

‘We no our sh*t and will boycott the low’, said an angry British person.

 

Ministers fired back saying they better ‘get on with it’ and urged them to hurry up as ‘time is running out fast’ and ‘there will be no mercy for no one, British and non’.

Migrants associations have welcomed the law, saying it was an important step towards equality in UK society.

‘It is about time that Britons who can’t spell or don’t know the difference between you’re and your are finally brought to judgement,’ said a spokesperson of an unknown migrant group.

‘Being in command of the English language is a paramount requirement for being able to call oneself a Briton and Britons should be no exception.’

Emergency English language certificate ‘booths’ are being set up in all main UK cities and will be open from 12:00 to 14:30 every day, Monday to Sunday.

 

The test, which lasts about 15 minutes and involves listening and speaking exercises, will be carried out by ‘appointed arbiters’ of the English language.

 

Ministers said migrants are also being recruited for the job as British people ‘clearly do not always know better’.

 

People who do not live in main cities are advised to travel to their nearest big city and look for the red and white booth.

 

Queues are expected throughout the months leading to Brexit and people are advised to take bottled water and snacks with them. Cups of tea may be provided. 

 

Certificates are issued free of charge. Those who fail the test are encouraged to take it again until they actually manage.

 

If they reach 29 March 2019* and are still unable to pass the test, they will be deported to a random country which will be decided by a roll of dice on Brexit day.

 

Germans were not asked for a comment, but they insisted on saying: ‘Dear Brits, ze door is schtill open!’

*The deadline for leaving the EU has been postponed, and so has deadline for gaining a certificate. 

Artists explore Brexit, Uniqlo Tate Lates, 29 March 2019